Steady

Water… I picture water in my thoughts, relax and stretch. I am reaching; my ears straining, I will hear water. Slow breaths, quiet breaths, I am careful to not interrupt myself. I feel the flood in my ears, the humming of a head rush and I am by the Yellow River. The current is strong and deep. I hear myself laughing and turning, I see my old friend Chels, barking at the splashing and crashing, a deafening sound as the water breaks on the rocks we are perched on.

I return to myself and feel the muscles in my fingers, feel the tingle and I listen. The river is quiet in this area; I am reclined against the branches of a massive fallen tree, its trunk floats in the river and it is anchored to the shore with its roots. I come here to think. I like to watch the shadows of the thick over head leaves on the water’s surface. I like to run my fingers in the sunlight. The moist air hums with dragonflies, bees and flies. I am afraid of the water. The river is deep and strong. I draw my reckless courage from it. Sometimes the river fills me up and I have to run as fast as I can into the forest to get the energy out. It is life and power.

The last four weeks have been achingly full of tumbled emotions and chaotic choices. In response to the nearly unbearable stress building up; I have decided to try mediation again.

It’s been ages since I regularly practiced so I don’t remember the exact ways that one focuses into a calm withdrawn state. In addition, I don’t have a lot of quiet time to get to that state. My solution is that I have developed a couple of ‘mini’ meditation practices for myself.

I may have only minutes. Perhaps it is in the morning as I cuddle Charlie on my shoulder for a good morning hug, or the first five minutes when I get home and I sit in the car in the driveway. I close my eyes, place my palms on my thighs facing up, relax the neck, keeping my chin level and I fall into myself.

I am focusing on a remembered sound. Focusing on ‘hearing’ that sound. I have picked running water and my results are astonishing. If I remember, the best way to find mediation is to pick one thing, such as a sound, that I can focus my thoughts and my emotions on, and to use that one thing to pull myself in. Such as one would pull a boat in with one rope thrown to the dock; my rope is the sound that I am using to get to the dock, the dock which is inner calm.

I forgot the feeling when I back out or let go too fast. This happens with the interruption of a phone call or a timer. It is a shaky feeling and my feet and hands feel as if they fell asleep in the brief moments.

But I am steady. The tight emotions of frustration or my feelings of being overwhelmed and my resulting general aggravation have relinquished their hold on my words, sleep and soul. Steady. I breathe in the word, relish the word. Ah, it does feel good to be steady.