I keep having these dreams that are in watercolor back drops.
I can see the texture of the paint brush that was used to make each stroke. I have decided that this means that I have neglected this medium for far too long now.
There is a great restlessness in me lately. I feel I am squandering my talents and I am creating a great waste. It feels as if fate were resentful of the gifts I was given and have used so little to the benefit of myself or others.
I heard the Wind Woman hiss at me yesterday. I was walking into the back yard yesterday to study the place where I promised myself a garden with tomatoes, zucchini and string beans.
“Are you so frightened? Are you so afraid?” She wondered aloud while running her drizzling fingers over the metal top of the well.
I wanted to tell her that I am not brave but that is a lie. I have been brave. Many times. Sometimes it worked out and sometimes it did not. The trouble is that I always knew exactly what to do to be brave and this time the path is hidden. I do keep poking about and gingerly parting the poison ivy and oak that hide the forest floor but my attempts are half hearted at best.
No one likes a rash.
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Darn those dreams...the courage to actually DO what you love is connected with risk. What if no one else cares? Any artist who says they don't care is lying. I keep reminding myself that many, if not most, of the artists and writers I admire the very most have experienced much the same levels of self-doubt and rejection. One more on dreams: I used to dream, off and on through out the years since High School, of being late for some forgotten class; couldn't find the class; and if/when I finally got there, I didn't know what to do. I'd wake up relieved that there was no over-due assignment or forbidding professor to worry about. But I also felt a deep foreboding and a nameless ache. Now that's gone. It's just as stressful, if not more so, than I thought it'd be, but classes come do end. And much of what's required seems pointless because it is. I'm tired ALL of the time. But there's a quiet "keep going" under it all. You'll get there, Em. Keep going.
ReplyDeleteMy drafting table is glaring at me though...