Chapter 19
29 August 1997
D in sunlight
Dear Dee,It’s hot outside. Boiling dry heat rises off the ground and streets. I walk to your house in flip flops, feeling the skin of my feet and legs cook in the air as I listen to the clapping sound of my steps.
I find you sitting on your front yard framed by giant sunflowers growing along the porch behind you. You haven’t bothered with the wig the hospital had sent you home with and the sun shines down, brilliantly reflecting off your translucent skin. Freckles scatter across your thin face and your eyes seem to glow in the light. You look like a diamond, a fragile human diamond.
I sit down next to you. We say nothing, idly pulling at dead dry grass and watching cars go by. One slows slightly to stare at your naked head. You stare back with a tired defiant glare. As it sped away you turn your fearless look to me but your mouth twists and you drop your gaze to our hands as my hand wraps around yours.
The enemy has grown and begun show under your skin; it makes small rises in your graceful neck and long tomboyish arms. I feel helpless; this silent ruthless killer will not flinch under my rage; cowardly I try not to look at them.
“We’ll celebrate my twenty first birthday together.” You say at last. “We’ll take our road trip across country. Only one more year until you’re eighteen, I have only until December.”
I nod and smile slightly at you, the agony in my chest making it hard to breathe. My eyes are hot and dry and my hands ache to hold yours tighter. I take a deep breath, remembering your skin is sensitive. I remember to hold your hands lightly.
We sit for another hour and say nothing. The sun disappears; the air cools with its retreat. I sigh. I have to go home. I stretch and stand. You are tired and I bend back down to help you. “You’ll come back?” You ask abruptly in an odd and angry voice, your eyes flashing.
I touch your face, “Tomorrow. I will come back tomorrow.”
Chapter 20
29 October 1997
D’s October
Dear Dee,It's late. Twilight is already falling; I had meant to be here sooner but I'd gotten into a fight with my parents. I am not sure what it was about but they were disappointed. I was annoyed, what had I done this time? But... my ears are muffled these days. I might have done something without realizing it.
I took the car keys, leaving my boyfriend and a friend in the car. They are your friends too but they wouldn't come in. Your sunflowers are glowing bright yellow in the fading autumn light. Their centers look like coal pits and a thought whispers, ‘I could fall into them and be lost’. I flinch away from them and knock on the door. Your mother answers, her mouth becoming a vague half smile to welcome me. I return it and I show myself to your room. You are having mini-strokes now. Leukemia has conquered your limbs and now it is after your mind.
I sit down in the chair by your bed and take your hand. You do not know I am here. Your eyes flicker to mine without recognition but I smile at you anyway, whenever our eyes meet and say nothing. In my heart I repeat my chat, ‘I love you, I love you.’
I listen to your breathing, to the ventilator humming, to the machines in the corner. I watch your pulse in your wrist. After an hour, I stiffly move to get up, and your hand tightens. I look into your face and your eyes slice through me; Green, blue and gray as the sea. “You’re here, you came.” You whisper hoarsely.
Screaming begins inside me. Don’t leave, my selfish thoughts plead, don’t leave me. I am so alone; I don’t know how to face the storms outside this room. You are so much braver then I am, with your blunt opinions, sharp intuition and long hands I like to hold.
I place a choke hold on my unvoiced cries, derailing my train of thoughts; you used to know when I was upset, you still might. You don’t need to know this time.
I force a tiny smile, say nothing and nod. You struggle to speak. I give you a little piece of ice and trace the back of your hand gently. I watch as your eyes begin to fade, sleep returning to give you a small reprieve.
Your mother comes to the door and in a hushed voice says “She needs her rest.” I nod and she left.
I stand and bend to kiss your face.
You turn your cheek to mine and breathe the words into my ear, “I love you Emy.” Again, your eyes cut me and I feel you give me some of your strength. I must not fail you.
This was the last time I saw you.
Chapter 21
5 November 1997
D’s Halloween
You left October 31, 1997, Halloween, your favorite holiday. The day they buried you was cold; wickedly cold. I worried they had forgotten to give you socks.
Everyone was at your funeral. Someone with a microphone droned on and on about how we will all rise from the dead, how all sorrows will be healed –
I could feel the heat of my rage building in my chest and my eyes began to shout my fury; Why? Why not live now? Why heal the sorrows later? Why not let go now?
Yet I am voiceless. All my words stay in my head.
Everyone; all the faces you had so badly wanted to see had finally arrived. I was bewildered by my anger as they filed past your closed casket with their belated good byes. I stood off to the side alone, recoiling away from their piteous pleading eyes. I never forgave any of them.
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