Today is a worst version.
Rational or irrational, truth is relative when based on perception and the curious thing about humans is that of our truths are completely mired in our points of view.
Yesterday I was running late. Which means I sat on the over pass, stuck behind honking cars and watched the sun come up. It’s been a few weeks because of the time change. I forgot to breathe as I witnessed a sky, lit pink lavenders, burst into red, yellow-white and brilliant purple.
And this set the day.
My current place of employment is about fifty percent full of empty cubicles and un-manned very posh office chairs. The remaining occupants engage in a daily florescent war. As I sit around the corner from a window, surrounded by grey walls, the occasional flickering above me reminds me that it is not just AC here with me during the day.
On the occasion I do see people, it is forlorn mix of cautious friendly hellos or avoided eye contact and quick steps. I don’t know the story; I am too new. What I have surmised is I think everyone is afraid of each other. Online town halls are defensive, comments derisive. I didn’t have any illusions with my latest job hop. I finally realized, about four jobs ago, that jobs are miserable. There really isn’t anything to be done about it.
Since I am too busy to leave my desk often, and if I do for too long, the once invisible co-workers will materialize to find me, I engage in self-study for company. I am focusing on Roman history –which needs more movies. Directors would not have to make any material up, not with the all of the craziest triangles, mysteries, betrayals and all out gory wars.
My commutes into and from work is either on the phone with my sister or doing my Pemsler Spanish lessons. I am a slow learner but I have at last made it to unit ten of the fifteen! At work I have found a couple of indie styled Spanish bands I like. They sing slower and I can actually catch a few words.
And this has kept me happy. Sort of. I doodle future paintings on post its. Maybe someday I won't lose fifty hours a week in a grey cube.
Then today happened… I was pretty early to work, to make up time. The light over the mountains was just turning grey as I hurried inside and upstairs. Excel, testing and suddenly it is 10am. Florescent suddenly switches on overhead and I come out of three screens with a feeling of quiet desperation. I set my teeth and turn on music and muscle through til 2pm. This time my reaction is to hurry down the halls to the stairs. My hand is on the door just as someone happens to walk by and comment about a meeting starting in a couple of minutes.
At 3:30pm I Run downstairs, heels clacking (this office is not client facing but everyone dresses up as if it was Goldman). I get outside and stop as if I walked into a wall.
The world is white, the air is clean and I am grateful for yellow leaves peeking out and up at me. Rich orange sways under the unexpected weight of water. Their trunks seem to ask me to wrap my coat around them.
Then I hurry myself into the car, hoping to beat traffic.
Sal was gone a year yesterday and I was ok with that. But now, when I walk into the house and she isn’t here, I dissolve into a five year old and sit it out in the bathroom for a few minutes.
I want to whine to her that my life is commute, silence, screens, florescence, commute, dinner, dishes, screens –repeat. I want to tell her I am a child and the reality is that I had a wonderful weekend. I want to tell her that work is hesitantly nice to me – increasingly, because they cannot be so to each other and more and more, I watch them feel safer. I know I am creating allies.
And does she remember that one break down? I realized on a Wednesday, that I hadn’t seen the sun in a week and I flipped. I quit. We got in the car and I drove to the beach.
Which didn’t work out well. I had to eat crow but that moment was worth it. Ohhhhhh…! The happy naughty delight of being outside in the middle of the week in the middle of the day.
I want her smile to laugh at my tantrum.
I miss my girl, my not-so-silent-confidante and patient listener. She never asked anything more of me then a walk.
I need to do laundry, post some pieces on an art comp, pack lunch for tomorrow… instead I sit here on the back porch, snow falling in my hair and watch my little desert dog discover winter.
Stupid worst version reality day.
God I am bored. Teeth grinding, agitatedly bored. Alt tab, update, compare, repair, update, email, alt tab, repeat. Busy busy maddeningly bored. Dang podcast won’t load, overly played songs bull doze my brain.
At home, at a torturous rate, a painting is being completed. Whenever there is a little minute here, ten there, two here - I found a whole fifteen all together in a row last Thursday…! 
