Steady

Water… I picture water in my thoughts, relax and stretch. I am reaching; my ears straining, I will hear water. Slow breaths, quiet breaths, I am careful to not interrupt myself. I feel the flood in my ears, the humming of a head rush and I am by the Yellow River. The current is strong and deep. I hear myself laughing and turning, I see my old friend Chels, barking at the splashing and crashing, a deafening sound as the water breaks on the rocks we are perched on.

I return to myself and feel the muscles in my fingers, feel the tingle and I listen. The river is quiet in this area; I am reclined against the branches of a massive fallen tree, its trunk floats in the river and it is anchored to the shore with its roots. I come here to think. I like to watch the shadows of the thick over head leaves on the water’s surface. I like to run my fingers in the sunlight. The moist air hums with dragonflies, bees and flies. I am afraid of the water. The river is deep and strong. I draw my reckless courage from it. Sometimes the river fills me up and I have to run as fast as I can into the forest to get the energy out. It is life and power.

The last four weeks have been achingly full of tumbled emotions and chaotic choices. In response to the nearly unbearable stress building up; I have decided to try mediation again.

It’s been ages since I regularly practiced so I don’t remember the exact ways that one focuses into a calm withdrawn state. In addition, I don’t have a lot of quiet time to get to that state. My solution is that I have developed a couple of ‘mini’ meditation practices for myself.

I may have only minutes. Perhaps it is in the morning as I cuddle Charlie on my shoulder for a good morning hug, or the first five minutes when I get home and I sit in the car in the driveway. I close my eyes, place my palms on my thighs facing up, relax the neck, keeping my chin level and I fall into myself.

I am focusing on a remembered sound. Focusing on ‘hearing’ that sound. I have picked running water and my results are astonishing. If I remember, the best way to find mediation is to pick one thing, such as a sound, that I can focus my thoughts and my emotions on, and to use that one thing to pull myself in. Such as one would pull a boat in with one rope thrown to the dock; my rope is the sound that I am using to get to the dock, the dock which is inner calm.

I forgot the feeling when I back out or let go too fast. This happens with the interruption of a phone call or a timer. It is a shaky feeling and my feet and hands feel as if they fell asleep in the brief moments.

But I am steady. The tight emotions of frustration or my feelings of being overwhelmed and my resulting general aggravation have relinquished their hold on my words, sleep and soul. Steady. I breathe in the word, relish the word. Ah, it does feel good to be steady.

Three things

Yesterday, at the end of class, we were each asked to write an email to the professor listing three things you feel you must do before you die.

Disclosure: I am aware that this exercise was merely to make sure that we all understood how the online mailing system works and an email received by each of us is proof.

I am overly earnest by nature so I took a minute to really think about it and to give an honest answer. But Reader, I barely needed a full minute, because the three things that came to mind were absolutes and there was no hesitation:

1. I want to write a book.
2. I want to sell one piece of art professionally.
3. I want my words to be concise enough to touch a person in a way that changes their life.

Sometimes...

There is only one thing to do;
Paint your fingernails purple. The brightest deepest color you can find.

Path

Good weather

What were you watching?
What did you see?
Were you looking?
As rain danced with sea?
What did you think?
What were your thoughts?
Were you remembering?
Revealing in moments we caught?
Why are our words rough,
When we talk together?
Where is my best friend?
In this good weather?

Guardian

Dear Guardian,

Today I was having a terrible day. The world was ending, the sky was falling and my paper cut was going to turn gangrene and I was going to lose my arm. I hid in the bathroom twice to avoid eating someone’s head for breakfast and I moaned to myself that all was lost. Coffee with my husband nearly turned into a spat because he tried to cheer me up and I was determined that the sun was gone forever.

On the way back I stopped at a fast food place to get a little snack when I saw you, a large older German shepherd anxiously walking along the very hectic road. Cars whizzed by and the grey sky seemed quite ominous against your rough coat. You were obviously lost and your eyes were very concerned as you kept pausing to glance about, uncertain where to go.

I carefully pulled over next to you, turning my hazards on. When you saw me and I saw you, I smiled a real smile. You more than welcomed my recognition and I knew just how you felt. To know that you aren’t invisible to the world means everything, and, when you are in trouble, a simple salutation means more then can be said.

“Can I help you?” I asked. You approached me eagerly, your mouth falling open in a relieved grin. I found that your massive nose reached the bottom of my rolled down window. You were really quite startlingly huge.

I got out and hugged your broad shoulders. I stroked your soft thick ears when you shoved your head into my stomach, (knocking the air out of me just a little), and I told you how beautiful you were while you told me how nice it was meet.

I reached for your collar and tags and saw that your name was Guardian. “Hi,” I smiled, leaning down to see your eyes, “My name is Emily.” You wriggled your hello back and as I called the number listed I paid special attention to your ears. There was no answer or voice mail on that number. I consulted your tags again, all four, and called the city Animal control. Using your city license number they were able to give me your home address which was a mere six blocks away. The lady who answered worked out directions with me and then let me know she would try your home number again while we drove over.

I wasn’t sure if you would get in my car, my own dog is fairly wary of strangers but you were very co-operative and willing when I ask if you wanted to go for a ride. Unfortunately for you, my little blue car was a bit of a snug fit and you could not quite lie down all the way.

As I neared the address belonging to a small white house, you gave several happy ‘whoofs’, bouncing my car up and down. I let you out just as an old man came pacing from the back yard, wringing his hands. His weathered face scowled, glared and looked a little scary as he scolded you something fierce. You delightedly hugged him back and ignored the tone of his voice as his hands clutched you close.

And I smiled again, my first real smiles of the day. I couldn’t help it. I was so glad you were home and your old man was so glad too, despite the misleading barking, and you were both full of sweet toothy grins.

Many thanks enclosed-
Your friend,
Emily