Utah (Dreaming Part One) Ch. 15 - 16

Chapter 15
Provo, Utah, October 1993
Utah

Dear Reader,  

I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t anything nice to write.  I have missed you though so here is a description.  There are roses in the back yard.  The house is tiny.  Everything is dead in Utah, with the exception of a few trees.  The mountains are brown and people are judgmental.  It hurts to talk to them.  The strange thing is I am ‘one of them’.  

This is distasteful but here is my confession; I was born here and I am a Mormon.  Sigh...there, I said it. I hadn’t thought about myself as a Mormon before, I always thought of it as ‘my family is Mormon’. No one else was at school or in the neighborhoods growing up. Family scriptures, superstitions and prayers were mostly easy to daydream through. I thought about it only when I was told to think about it.

My Geography teacher cried about his grandson’s baptism in class yesterday.  Everyone smiled at him, one girl cried with him.  I sat wondering why we didn’t talk about the map on the wall, why didn’t we talk about the heavy book full of bright pictures and long words.  I sat with my hands folded, anxious and trying to pretend I was smiling too but he knew. I had to sit in the hall for the remainder of class because I did not have ‘The Spirit’. 

I am uneasy all the time and I try to pretend I am not but it is a constant pressure that is choking me.  For the first time I really want to be pretty.   But I am not.  My hair is all over the place, I am short, my teeth are crooked. Dad says I have big arms and tells me over and over how ragged I look. Fourteen is my least favorite age. 

Jared came last night.  He stood next to me, looking out my window.  This visit he asked me nothing.  At first I took no notice, distracted by the usual commotion outside my window but when I did turn to look at him I found a serious silent look.  That’s when he reached out and touched my shoulder. He has never touched me before and I jumped at the unexpected gesture.  My heart started pounding and I asked him if everything was okay.  He did not answer.   He just looked at me seriously, and then he looked back out my window.  ...Reader, I feel he never will answer me again.

Chapter 16

Provo, Utah, October 1994
Utah

Dear Reader, 
My Mom pulled me from middle school; we spend nearly all day every day together as everyone else is in school.  I relish the one on one time together. We went to the state capital one day and read about history and art. I have even started to muddle my way through math.There are sunflowers in unexpected corners; some charging defiantly through small cracks in the road to bob their heads hello.

I have friends too.  Rae is my closet next to Dee.  Once, Rae and I rode our bikes all the way to the canyon just to see a water fall.  The mountains are so big and close!  On our way home we were caught in the middle of an afternoon thunder storm that left us laughing and drenched. 

I think it is a funny thing to have ‘girlfriends’. Rae had us pose in our best outfits; poises like sitting on a fence or porch step or pretending to be asleep. Sometimes we curled our hair and laughed at each other with garish red lipstick grins.  I wish I was brave like Dee or pretty like Rae.  

Sometimes I forget about the anxiety in my hands.  I make up stories about elves and myths to make my friends laugh as we ride their bikes and look forward to high school. 

But I always remember anyway.  Sometimes Jared makes a rare appearance and brings me back to the statue.

 Together, looking out at the statue I have begun to think the question he no longer asks, “What do I hear besides anger?”