Holy blessed of Friday....
I have too many topics in my head. Watching them all run around is a lot like watching Luna go after a rabbit, squirrel and bird. Too many targets; each very interesting, all going in opposite directions and everything very fast. Results are a steroidal spaz attack.
I am laughing at myself and the mental vision of Luna.
Ok, ok focus!
Am trying to get the shell off my daily hard boiled egg. Every Monday I boil six for the week. I always eat at least one in the morning and I seem to always need an extra one. Five always peel cleanly with no trouble yet there is always one that does not. It's a chewed up unappealing aggravated mess. Why? WHY??
Try again, focus.
This is the trouble with cigarettes. I thought about it a lot this week as I am trying to quit... again... (I don't know which number this try is)... and I have realized the true reason I love them.
Huh, just thinking about a smoke I start to focus. It's almost a sound in my head. The reason I love to smoke is that I focus. I center. I can think of only three other things that do that to me. Flying, skiing and painting.
Yes, in that order. Thing about the first two is that not focusing can have lethal results. Painting settles me. It's why I ache for it when it's been too long. Everything starts to feel frayed and thin. It's that hole in your favorite pair of jeans, rubbed so bare you know the slightest gesture will render it torn.
Fiddling with my said favorite pair I wonder if I have any stop fray left at home? Hm. Maybe should add it to list.
Come back M, come back.
Smoking brings the world in and pushes it out. Everything is manageable. I am clearer, calmer -focused.
Solutions? Perhaps nicotine gum would help but I dislike chewing gum. I feel like a cow. "Vaping" looks sketchy. The time I tried it for a week I gave myself a wet cough. I thought about the patch but I don't like things on me.
Really, I am particular about things on me. I have a tendency to live in skirts and flip flops when able to. I have designed many a tattoo for others. I have designed two for myself but I don't actually have one. Feels too permanent for my inclinations.
Focus.
I miss it. I know smoking may kill me, limit me, maim me so I keep trying to quit. I play head games with myself and use different angles. I focus on Any shortness of breath when running (honing in on my mortality) and observe any unsuspecting oxygen tank using person I come across. I am vain so I consider the toll it takes on my skin, hair, teeth. I think about my sweetheart and the world he means to me and that by not smoking he either smokes less or not at all. "Be a good influence!" I chant. Not even joking; I praise myself each morning I wake up with the happy words "You are smoke Free!" and use this to cheer lead myself through my commute.
But who am I kidding? I was not Ever a cheer leader. I was a tom-boy / borderline manic rebellious teenager.
Then some well intention-ed (I hope, I think?) friend will make a comment or send passive aggressive nosy text message (usually right in the middle of the latest and greatest quit week so I am easily provoked) reciting stats about early menopause, infertility, wrinkles and heart disease... Adult side is derailed and irritated as my inner sixteen year old whines to be allowed to tell them to F*!@ off.
I want to remind them that there are little labels on each pack and billboards roaring from the road and commercials blaring from both radio and TV - each screaming of dire consequences awaiting all that indulge... I eat my veggies, walk/ run every day, rarely drink soda, guzzle water and coffee so shove off!
Anyway. This is my quandary.
Sigh. I have ruined this egg.
I have too many topics in my head. Watching them all run around is a lot like watching Luna go after a rabbit, squirrel and bird. Too many targets; each very interesting, all going in opposite directions and everything very fast. Results are a steroidal spaz attack.
I am laughing at myself and the mental vision of Luna.
Ok, ok focus!
Am trying to get the shell off my daily hard boiled egg. Every Monday I boil six for the week. I always eat at least one in the morning and I seem to always need an extra one. Five always peel cleanly with no trouble yet there is always one that does not. It's a chewed up unappealing aggravated mess. Why? WHY??
Try again, focus.
This is the trouble with cigarettes. I thought about it a lot this week as I am trying to quit... again... (I don't know which number this try is)... and I have realized the true reason I love them.
Huh, just thinking about a smoke I start to focus. It's almost a sound in my head. The reason I love to smoke is that I focus. I center. I can think of only three other things that do that to me. Flying, skiing and painting.
Yes, in that order. Thing about the first two is that not focusing can have lethal results. Painting settles me. It's why I ache for it when it's been too long. Everything starts to feel frayed and thin. It's that hole in your favorite pair of jeans, rubbed so bare you know the slightest gesture will render it torn.
Fiddling with my said favorite pair I wonder if I have any stop fray left at home? Hm. Maybe should add it to list.
Come back M, come back.
Smoking brings the world in and pushes it out. Everything is manageable. I am clearer, calmer -focused.
Solutions? Perhaps nicotine gum would help but I dislike chewing gum. I feel like a cow. "Vaping" looks sketchy. The time I tried it for a week I gave myself a wet cough. I thought about the patch but I don't like things on me.
Really, I am particular about things on me. I have a tendency to live in skirts and flip flops when able to. I have designed many a tattoo for others. I have designed two for myself but I don't actually have one. Feels too permanent for my inclinations.
Focus.
I miss it. I know smoking may kill me, limit me, maim me so I keep trying to quit. I play head games with myself and use different angles. I focus on Any shortness of breath when running (honing in on my mortality) and observe any unsuspecting oxygen tank using person I come across. I am vain so I consider the toll it takes on my skin, hair, teeth. I think about my sweetheart and the world he means to me and that by not smoking he either smokes less or not at all. "Be a good influence!" I chant. Not even joking; I praise myself each morning I wake up with the happy words "You are smoke Free!" and use this to cheer lead myself through my commute.
But who am I kidding? I was not Ever a cheer leader. I was a tom-boy / borderline manic rebellious teenager.
Then some well intention-ed (I hope, I think?) friend will make a comment or send passive aggressive nosy text message (usually right in the middle of the latest and greatest quit week so I am easily provoked) reciting stats about early menopause, infertility, wrinkles and heart disease... Adult side is derailed and irritated as my inner sixteen year old whines to be allowed to tell them to F*!@ off.
I want to remind them that there are little labels on each pack and billboards roaring from the road and commercials blaring from both radio and TV - each screaming of dire consequences awaiting all that indulge... I eat my veggies, walk/ run every day, rarely drink soda, guzzle water and coffee so shove off!
Anyway. This is my quandary.
Sigh. I have ruined this egg.
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